Welcome to My Life of Organized Chaos Where Crazy Eventually Catches up to you!

12/22/06

The Truth Comes Out

I am a VERY good friend with That Chick Over There (if you haven't read her blog you should- I peed myself a little yesterday reading her back blogs). Anyway, her blog today explains a great deal about why I've decided to start my own.

Our internet message board isn't the same. I know, it's "just a message board". But it wasn't supposed to be. It's not a public board, you were invited based on what other people thought or as we've called it in the past "What you brought to the table". A fairly large group of women started out. We lost one or two right away due to a spinoff of another board. Lost another to not much internet access. Another to a very immoral situation involving her family. Now they are probably about to lose another few members, myself included.

To me it's like any friendship, when it caves; what contributed? We've all heard the "You get what you put into it." or the "You take turns giving 100% and lean on each other." Well I've had enough of it quite honestly.

You get what you put into it. I have given my heart and soul to some of these women. Only to have it smashed into a million pieces when I needed support back. "What do I bring to the table?" I bring the MAIN COURSE, a lot. Some of these other women are lucky to show up with napkins.

I understand the "I can't log on from work so I have less time to contribute." and therefore aren't around as much...but being ABSENT is one thing. Coming on and deliberately choosing to not contribute to certain people when you are there discussing all the details of your life...right down to something as trivial as the dog didn't do well at the groomer.

We've had the discussion a few times and every time it's the same people defending others...that "sometimes I don't have anything to contribute to your problem" or "I'm not around". The former holds no water for me because even if you say "I'm really really sorry." I know you spent 35 seconds and opened the thread and actually read what was going on with me.

The bottom line is HERE in my blog..I don't EXPECT anyone to read it. I don't expect anyone to give a shit about me or my trivial problems with my husband during the holidays when he's working 70 hours+ a week. I dont' expect support and love and compassion. I came here of my own free will. I was invited there to be part of group that was different. Part of group that was supposed to be there for each other. Cared for, considered, loved. When I post there and no one responds like my dear friend, That Chick said...it hurts. You feel invisible and ignored. When I post here I can get my thoughts out and if no one responds that's ok because I'm not expecting anyone to.

It's very sad to admit this because for almost 3 years it's been my safe haven. There are amazing women there that have talked me off a ledge many a time. Kept me from losing it with my husband, kept me from killing my in-laws. Without them during those times my life might be a little different.

Lately though, it seems as though as group, we're connecting less and less. The posts aren't quite as real as they used to be and even when they are..the same handful of good hearted women reply and the same group of people for whatever reason seem deliberately HURTFUL and mean and only keep replying to their own post or each other's. I've watched it for months and I can't GIVE like I have been and get nothing back.

I will not apologize for needing them.
I will not apologize for caring about them.
I will not apologize for expecting more from them.

I can't change them. I can only change myself and how I react to them. But if I don't do something about cutting off that source of hurt; I will end up bitter. I can't allow that to happen.

So my decision to leave there is the reason I'm here.

5 Comments:

Blogger That Chick Over There said...

I'm here with you babe.

I love you.

December 22, 2006 at 7:11 AM  
Blogger M said...

I already overloaded S-tastic's comments so I'll leave you alone. Just know I hear ya. But you knew that already. xoxo

December 22, 2006 at 8:12 AM  
Blogger velocibadgergirl said...

If I could post that little broken-heart icon here, I would.

I hope I am welcome in this corner of your world, because if not I think I might curl up and cry myself half to death...

*sad flowers*

~G

December 22, 2006 at 9:39 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

Just got here.

I hate it that it's come to this, but I'm really glad that you have done something to protect yourself.

xoxox

December 22, 2006 at 10:08 PM  
Blogger wopalockapino said...

I belong to one of the message boards too. I have even contributed money to them to keep it running. They have tons of members but only a few really respond. I hate it when I have a "problem" and after all the advice I have given no one responds. I also joined a mom's group in my area. It was good at first but then I had the girl and my hubby wasn't so into helping anymore. At least you now have an outlet to scream, cry and laugh with no pressure.

January 19, 2007 at 2:58 PM  

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