From the Beginning....

I believe it was Angela aka CPA Mom (and forgive me...how do you add a link to a post so you can all see her hilarity as well) that made a comment about my daughter and her preemie status.

Sometimes I feel like my life started when I was born, other times when I was a teenager, other times when my son was born, then when I married, then when I divorced, then when I met Jeff...and sometimes living LIFE comes in small packages.

2 lbs 11 ounces and 16 inches long to be exact.

See in theory getting pregnant and having a baby you feel crappy for a while but you're pregnant and you learn to live with it for 40 weeks or 9 months (isn't that 10 months) but you get the idea and at the end of it all..you have this gorgeous little bundle of joy to show for it all. That makes all the sickness and pain you felt moot.

In reality, my pregnancy only lasted 30 weeks 2 days.
See my Casey nearly took my life on her way into the world. I had pre-eclampsia. I was diagnosed at 28 weeks and my doctors PRAYED I would make it til the 4th of July and deliver her then.

In MY reality, she came into the world on June 3rd.
In MY reality, I brought her HOME July 11th when she was only 4lbs 11 ounces.
In MY reality, I watched my daughter lie in a hospital for 38 days hanging onto her life for the first 6 days of that. Never knowing if she'd be healthy or normal.
These are pictures from my reality.

This is an old saved "play by play of the day" that I sent to a friend via email:

Thursday, June 2nd- approx. 11pm

I didn't feel well..I told Jeff I didn't feel well. Something just struck me as different...and I'd been following orders of taking it easy, not on my feet much...resting..so I was concerned going to bed.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 7:30 am

I woke up to shower quick and I had a headache and my vision just seemed blurry. Now it was dark in the apartment so I got myself together and left to go to the hospital for my weekly non-stress test.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 9:15am

I'm at the hospital hooked up to a fetal monitor and they are seeing how Casey's heartbeat is. I told the nurses about my symptoms and they took my BP which was 180/100 at the time. They called my doctor to let her know and she said for me to come to my regular appt at noon.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 10:30am

I arrived home to have a quick bite to eat and check in on Kyle since today was his last day of school. He got 3 As, 2Bs, and 2Cs on his final report card and of course promoted to 7th grade. I called my Mom to let her know how I was feeling and what was happening and she told me to "pack a bag just in case", which I did..but I left it on the bed being hopeful that the doctor would just send me back home even if on STRICT bedrest.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 11:45am

My urine came back +2 with protein (which is HIGH) and my BP at the office was 175/111. The doctor walked right in and said.."I'm not even going to spend any time talking to you. You're severely pre-eclamptic. You need to go back to the hospital and check in, I am probably going to have to deliver this baby before the weekend is out."

Friday, June 3rd approx. Noon

I am now in my car...ALONE (wondering why in the hell I didn't make Jeff take the day off...) driving the 15 minutes to the hospital hysterical. I've called my husband, my sister, my Mother and my father and told them all that I'm being admitted...

Friday, June 3rd approx. 1pm

I'm now in my own room at the hospital and swollen so bad from the fluid that the I've now been stuck 6 times. It took 2 sticks to draw blood work and 4 times for my IV. Finally an anesthisologist (sp?) came up and got the vein. My doctor tells me that we're going to insert a "tampon" like device that will help soften my cervix over the next 12 hours and she would like me to try and deliver vaginally at some point on Sat. TOMORROW??? that's too soon....and again I'm alone because Jeff has a deal he NEEDS to close at 4pm...so I told him to keep the appt and come straight to the hospital after that. Kelly and my Mom are in the middle of moving Kelly into her apartment..and trying to stay in touch with me.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 4pm

My husband arrives at the hospital changed, with my bag, our son, my brother and sister in law in tow. WTF? Jeff cancelled his appt and made arrangements for my brother to take Kyle overnight so he could stay with me at the hospital. I kiss Kyle and reassure him that everything is going to be ok. My family leaves. Jeff and I try and nap. I wake up vomitting stomach bile for about 10 minutes.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 7pm

A new nurse comes on her shift and looks at me..at this point..my BP is 190/115 and my eyes are now swollen shut and I can't even make a fist with either hand due to the swelling. She assures Jeff that he's going to need to be rested and should go home and get some sleep. Of course not before I throw up for another 15 minutes.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 9pm

Nurse comes in to check monitor and the baby is having some slight decelerations in her heart rate AFTER a contraction. This "device" was only supposed to soften my cervix and within 2 hours I'm already having contractions. She informs me that she's calling my doctor.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 9:45pm

Nurse informs me that she has called Jeff to come back to the hospital as this baby is coming via c-section tonight.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 10pm.

Nurse arrives to shave and prep my stomach.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 10:15pm

Jeff arrives at hospital and told me that all the family is on their way.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 10:35pm

My doctor arrives in my room and says we're going in 20 mins.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 10:50pm

Transport arrives for me to take me to the OR. Not before the nurse does another vital and my BP is 197/123 and she actually freaks out and pages DR.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 11:15pm

I've been prepped, and had my spinal block so I can stay awake during the procedure. (BTW- that fucking NEEDLE in my back hurt like a sumanabitch)

Friday, June 3rd approx. 11:30pm

They bring Jeff in the room..of course right in the middle of me throwing up all over the nurse.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 11:45pm

Jeff assures me "You're doing great babe...I can see the head...)

Friday, June 3rd 11:49 pm

Casey June arrived

Friday, June 3rd approx. 11:53pm

They exit the room with Casey and Jeff follows..but not before he hears my doctor say.."Ok that's too high..." and then they put me out...because my vitals were failing fast.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 1am

I woke up in the recovery room and Jeff was sitting next to me crying..holding my hand with ink footprints 2 inches tall of our daughter's feet all over these stickers on his shirt.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 1:30am

I got to see all my family and they left. They then wheeled me into the NICU to see Casey for about a minute and then brought me to room. And that..is just Friday...

So in MY reality....for her to be healthy and look like this 19 months later....I'm very blessed but don't think for one minute that it's been easy. There are times I look at her and burst into tears just from sheer "HOLY SHIT" moments of thinking we were losing her. Thinking she might never be ok. Thinking she wouldn't be around. All those hours spent next to her incubator talking to her, reading to her, wondering and crying and wondering some more.

Looking at her now, the emotional scars of everything that happened then are faded but VERY real..I can't help but say to people.."Until you have a child lie in the NICU, you can't possibly understand what's it's REALLY like." Because you can't. Sure any parent can assume how awful it would be. For me, I say..."I think about as bad as it was, then I multiply it by 100 and that's how bad it probably REALLY was.. for now, I just thank God, every day for her."