Welcome to My Life of Organized Chaos Where Crazy Eventually Catches up to you!


You're only 21 once....

What does a fat girl in her 30s wear to a club where mostly Barbie 20-somethings will be leaving little to the imagination while grinding as if they all watched Carmen Electra’s Sexy Strip Tease DVDs 1,000 times.

Good question.

Considering I haven’t been in one of these types of clubs….in oh forever. I have no idea.

My night life is Vinko The Dancing Bear from Baby Genius DVDs or ya know Jackass 2 depending on who is in control of the remote in the house the toddler or the teenager. (YES, YES my 14 yr old watches Jackass…I’m going to hell. I get it.)

Now, I’m hip..and all. I watch MTV and VH1 N' shit..but honestly those shows scare me and I feel like my eyes are going to start bleeding and fall out of their sockets..so I can’t really watch all that long. Any reality on those channels FRIGHTENS me. Especially Breaking Bonaduce but his wife isn’t a 20-something hoochie so her wardrobe doesn’t help me much.

So what’s a fat girl to wear?

A ribbed turtleneck? Too business-y?

How about one of those sweatshirts with a birdhouse iron-on? Too Grandma-ish?

What about pajama pants, tank top and flip flops complete with my boobs sagging to my knees since I wouldn’t be wearing anything but a shelf bra (AS IF THOSE WORK). No huh…hmmm well I see these girls dressed like that in the mall all the time.

I could go totally 80s and do like the Miami Vice White Suit Jacket and neon fuchsia or even that crazy neon teal blue pointed collar shirt underneath.

I’m still WWWWWAAAAYYYY off aren’t I?

Well I have a week to figure it out. After returning from the gym and feeling like a weight had been lifted assuming I'd feel "thinner" rather than having a major fat day, I went through my closet last night trying to find something. Let me just say...my closet...is NOT bringing sexy back.

See we're going "clubbing" next Saturday for my youngest sister's 21st b-day. She's asked that we all get together and have a few drinks out dancing.

Of course she's invited half her college dance team ..and they are all ranging from size 0 to a size 6. I went to see them compete at Nationals in Daytona last April. Talk about feeling HUGE. Lying on the beach with these girls for 3 days did nothing for my ego.

Anyway, as I'm going through the closet I narrowed it down to 3 options.

Option #1 -I have a lovely sheer white ruffled blouse that I love..but I bought it last year and have worn it to every "fun" function since.

Option #2- I have my new gorgeous ruby velvet blazer with white lace cami underneath that my husband just bought me for Christmas. However, these clubs tend to get super HOT and I don't want to be the fat girl in the corner melting.

Option #3- I also have a lovely mock wrap striped blouse with matching cami to go underneath but in red not blue. Now it's a good cleavage shirt that Jeff adores but let's face it..you have 46 C/D boobs...unless it's a turtleneck..you've got cleavage and this one doesn't over do it so I wouldn't be uncomfortable feeling like everyone is staring at the fat girl's boobs.

Now I can ALSO run to Lane Bryant tonight on my way home and see if I can find something more "clubby" and that = Run to the back of Lane Bryant to the 80% off clearance rack and find something short sleeved and slinky like these...and hope I can get it for REALLY cheap.

If I don't find anything...I think I'll go with option #3.

I know that I can't look as thin or young as 90% of the other women that are going to be IN this particular bar and that's ok. Cuz I'm not.

I'm a 34 yr old Mother of 2 that needs to lose about 80-100lbs. Why fight it?

The truth is...I'll be out with my family and friends. WITHOUT my children. I won't be holding a baby on one hip, I won't be holding a sippy cup in my other hand, I won't be covered in Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Cracker crumbs, with a pacifier hanging out my mouth while yelling through gritted teeth "Can someone please take her so I can find the box of yogurt covered raisins BEFORE she has a meltdown?"

ALL this means...I'll be gorgeous no matter what I wear.

I'll be there with my husband and he thinks I'm gorgeous. So I'm gonna wear what makes me feel pretty and is comfortable..so I can get Jiggy With It.

Dear Lord, Please don't let me embarrass my thin, young, gorgeous sister too much.


Blogger That Chick Over There said...

Oh sweet Jesus, you kill me.

January 5, 2007 at 7:28 AM  
Blogger M said...

What she said.

Followed by sobby snorty laughter.

Bless you for stopping the sobs. Even if I then cried with laughter. ;)

I vote your last option in the closet. Show off those boobies, without buying new clothes, and forget the fat girl part. You're hot. The end.

January 5, 2007 at 11:43 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

I'm with M - don't buy anything new. Option 3 sounds good. Anything black is alway a good/safe option - or brown which apparently is the new black. But I always feel like a large turd wearing brown so on second thought, don't do it!

January 5, 2007 at 1:39 PM  
Blogger Tamsyn said...

I would say don't buy anything new, but I think that first Lane Bryant top would be GORGEOUS with your warm colouring. It's so pretty!

January 5, 2007 at 3:08 PM  
Blogger Bethany said...

Know exactly what you're talking about!
As far as embarrasing your little sister- isn't that exactly what big sisters are for? I embarrass mine every chance I get, it's so much fun!

January 5, 2007 at 5:44 PM  
Blogger velocibadgergirl said...

I LOVE option 3, or that lovely lovely rust and red and white striped shirt you were last year when I met you for the first time. That was a great shirt!

January 5, 2007 at 6:14 PM  
Blogger CPA Mom said...

I love option #3! Sorry no time to blog at work today, just read this. Did you go to Lane bryant? I LOVE-cubed that store.

I have embarrased my OLDER thin beautiful sister my whole life. She is ugly inside so it's only right.

January 5, 2007 at 6:24 PM  
Blogger Emma in Canada said...

I'd go with 3 too, though the Lane Bryant ones are lovely also. I wonder why there is no Lane Bryant in Canada. Anyway, as long as you don't wear an ugly pair of shoes from Value Village with #3.99 written on the bottom in green marker you should be fine. That happened to me once. Not personally, but people were on the stage for a blowjob competition and this one girl had those shoes. 15 years later I can still picture her.

January 6, 2007 at 12:41 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

I vote for option 3 as well. As for embarrassing your sister....well....just go and have fun. Let her worry about the embarrassment part. Thats not your problem. Anyway, I agree with Emma, it won't really matter what you wear as long as you have on some truly fabulous shoes!!!
Have a blast!

January 6, 2007 at 12:37 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

OMG. Have you taken a photo of my brain and put it out there for everyone to see? I can't believe you wrote exactly what I think. I can't believe you lay on the beach for 3 days with all those chickies and didn't kill yourself. I can't believe you're going to the club. This is yet another reason I have a little statue of you in a niche in my wall, and I offer a plate of crackers to it daily. You are a star.

January 8, 2007 at 9:54 AM  
Blogger CPA Mom said...

so what did you wear already???

January 9, 2007 at 6:04 AM  

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