Not for the Weak of Heart

So last week I mentioned my "sex talk" with my Kyle.

Now I tell ya...having a son at the age of 19 really aged me, even then. All I could think of was "Who is going to teach this kid to pee standing up?" because all signs pointed to the fact that I was going to be raising this kid on my own; and I did. For about 9 years.

Then I met Jeff. Now there are some "ugly" or less than flattering connotations that go along with the term "STEP-Father" but really Jeff has done nothing but enrich Kyle's life. He does however have one little flaw....when conversations like these need to happen it really doesn't give you much hope or stability to begin having them only to have your Dad start making kissing noises or saying such phrases like "smoochie smoochie" to a teenager because really, they don't want to hear that shit. They get enough of that from their peers and sometimes I wonder if I am living with 2 teenagers...that being Jeff and Kyle.

See Jeff was the youngest of 7, with 3 older brothers. The stories that I could tell you about some of the ribbing and teasing he took would just have you laughing for days. He managed to escape fairly normal except it left Jeff with void. A void and a need for a little brother of his own to tease and torture. He then got his wish at the age of 10 when his eldest sister gave him a nephew. Clearly by the time he met Kyle and I he had not quite gotten it out of his system..and honestly they give me a lot of laughs when they act the same age and start flexing and posing like body builders or have their little tit-for-tat "I'll SMOKE you" or "You're going down" during Playstation 2 NFL football games.

But in all reality I know that Kyle isn't 100% comfortable discussing certain topics with Jeff because he's worried or afraid about Jeff's reaction. This is where I come in...and where the sex talk starts to haunt me.

One night last week Jeff was working late and Kyle and I were both up watching TV. His cell phone rang and he ignored it.

So I asked him..."Bub, who is it?"

"It's probably Megan." (Now for those of you that can't keep up with Days of the Lives of 8th Graders...Megan was his most recent girlfriend, proceeded by Alison, Janina, Rachel and Taylor since a year ago this time.)

"Aren't you going to answer it?"

"Not right now. We're.......uh.......not in a good place."

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, it's just that IT'S happening, AGAIN."

"What's happening again?"

"The whole "you're never around because of sports and we aren't hanging out and since you don't call me 18 times a day you either must be mad at me or want to break up." and I DON'T; I just have practice EVERYDAY. If she rode her bike over to the park she would see that I'm not lying. I mean, is this how it's always going to be?"

"Oh honey..well...girls at any age can be insecure and yes, when you go from talking 10 times a day to 2 times a day because you aren't home..well yes, we get a little paranoid. This is why I made the no girlfriends during baseball season rule it just gets too complicated for you. You care about your girlfriends a great deal, I know that but it distracts you from playing ball. I was only gonna let the Megan thing go because you've been dating since February. So are you breaking up?"

"Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. We're on spring break and it's 30 degrees, I'm not walking all the way across town to hang out and we can't walk around it's COLD. I told her we could hang out tomorrow probably because it's too cold and practice will get cancelled and then I had a ride over there but that wasn't good enough..she got all upset and hung up and then called my cell phone like 10 times. I just don't get it."

So my mind started to wonder...and wander...so I figured the only way out was through.

"Kyle, how many girlfriends have you had?"

"Oh gosh Mom, I don't know. I mean if we go out for what 2 seconds, I don't think of that as anything serious. To me, I've had a few girlfriends. Jori, Chelsea, Courtney, Taylor, Alison and Megan I guess."

"and how many of those have you kissed?"

"Kissed? Uh....4."

"Let me guess, Chelsea, Courtney, Taylor and Megan?"

"Yep."

"OK..now you don't have to tell me...but I AM going somewhere with this..how many of those girls have you.....slipped the tongue?"

"M-O-M!"

"Kyle all I'm saying is that you're about to start high school and relationships get complicated enough. When the physical stuff starts that just complicates things further. I'm just trying to establish what you're dealing with."

"2 of them."

"Taylor and Megan?"

"Nope, Courtney and Megan."

"Really??? Didn't see that one. So...next question....have you touched either over or under the shirt any.....boobies?"

"Oh God, I can't believe you just asked me that. Shouldn't you ask if I have and THEN ask if it was over or under..."

"Honestly Kyle..if you've touched boobies I really don't want to know if it was above or under the shirt."

"No Mom. I mean I might have accidentally brushed against a boob during a hug but I've never been to first base with a girl."

"Ok...well you do realize that the sooner and more involved you get physically with girls as you get older..it gets much more complicated? Right? I just want you to wait until you're sure it's a girl that's .....how do I say this...worth it, ya know? I know boys have a totally different outlook on the physical stuff sometimes than girls and at your age you guys don't talk about it and then things just happen and eventually feelings get hurt. I mean, I know you're not one of those boys but your needs are going to get stronger...and I just want you to come and talk to one of us about it before you make any big decisions."

**Kyle looking down, probably just mortified**

"I know Mom. That is what I loved about being with Taylor. Whenever we hung out her Mom was ALWAYS home and I didn't feel pressure TO DO anything like with Megan. Megan wanted to constantly make out and I just knew eventually she'd want to do something besides kissing..ya know? Taylor and I barely held hands when we were at her house. All the times I kissed her were nights we were outside her house and it was usually just a kiss goodbye. I'm SO not ready for anything more than just kissing. I'm just not."

"Well don't tell me what you think I want to hear...we've already discussed that you have...urges and needs."

"Oh, I'm not. You and I both know what I do in my room when the door is locked...I'm not gonna lie about it...but with a girl? Oh hecky no. I mean I know Dad was a lot older than most guys when he did it the first time, but how old were you?"

"Not much older than you. At all. I was 15 1/2. I don't know that I would have waited until I got married because then I wouldn't have you..but if I could do it over..I might have waited a lot longer like your Dad. Dad was 22, almost 23."

"Well I don't know if I want to wait THAT long..but I get what you're saying Mom. You don't want me to make things more difficult when I'm in high school and playing sports by doing things with a girl that I don't REALLY REALLY care about because it'll make her think things are more serious than they are and then she'll be upset when I'm busy with other things and it'll just make the situation tougher. I get it. You want me to wait until it's a girl I REALLY REALLY care about..."

"But... wait.."

"I know and EVEN when it's someone I REALLY REALLY REALLY care about..I have to think about all the things that can happen when you get physical with someone, I get it Mom."

*insert blank stare back at my son here**

"Yes..Kyle..I'm not sure WHERE you get it from...but you sure do get it."