Welcome to My Life of Organized Chaos Where Crazy Eventually Catches up to you!

5/16/07

Faith

I don't talk very often about religion..here or otherwise.

I was born and baptized Catholic. I made my first Communion and my Reconciliation. I was never Confirmed and at the time it had more to do with convenience for my Mother of the CCD classes than my wishes to quit or stop pursuing my sacraments.

After my non-confirmation I went to church on average once a month from 14 through 19. At 19 my Priest refused to baptize Kyle. See in 1992 I had broken just about every belief the church had. I'd had premarital sex and while I was doing it...I WAS using birth control. Of course I decided NOT to terminate the pregnancy but that wasn't good enough.

That was when I became a non-practicing Catholic.

In 2001 Kyle started attending a children's bible study at a Baptist church with a friend. I decided to give it a shot. I went at least 3 times a month, stayed for luncheons, took the beginner's bible study class and got involved.

When I asked a friend of ours that was also one of the Youth Pastors at the church to marry Jeff and I outside the church in early 2003 he said yes. A few months later he wasn't sure if he was comfortable marrying Jeff and I. I asked if it was because I was asking to be married OUTSIDE the church. He said that wasn't it. He felt as if Jeff and I weren't EQUALLY YOKED.

It isn't as if Jeff has ever said "I don't believe in God." Jeff felt relatively the same as I did. He was raised Catholic but didn't share some of the churches monumental beliefs so he didn't like feeling like a hypocrite. He wasn't sure where he belonged in organized religion but he mostly certainly believes in God.

Our friend declined and we ended up getting a non-denominational minister to marry us.

4 years later Jeff and I still don't attend a church. It isn't as if we've tried very hard; we've been to a few different churches but it never seems to work out. Somehow we just don't feel comfortable there.

Do I believe in God? Bet your ass I do.
Does he know I swear? Sure he does.
Does he know I had a child out of wedlock? Check.
Does he know I lived with Jeff before marriage? Check.

God knows everything I've done wrong and yet he continues to bless me every day.

He continues to shine the sun on me day after day lighting me up with the warmth of my kids' smiles.

He continues to color my world with the beautiful blue eyes of my husband that look on me with the greatest unconditional love I've ever known.

He continues to bring sound to the music of my heart when I think of the person I've become through all the trials and tribulations in my life. Maybe I've not always done the "right" things but I've always tried to make the BEST decisions I could with where my life was AT that particular moment.

I don't regret many decisions I've made. I'm not ashamed of who I am and I think God can understand that because God isn't perfect either.

Sometimes I wonder if there is a heaven or hell. Will I get Left Behind? Will I sit in limbo in my afterlife? Will my kids? I don't know.

I only know that I believe in him. I talk to him. I try and do things to show him my appreciation for the blessings he's given me. I pray to him almost daily. Sometimes in the shower, sometimes in my car. Sometimes I go to the most peaceful place I can think of and walk through the woods and praise him for all the beauty that surrounds me. Some days I even curse him when I think he's made a bad decision...but ya know what...who I am to judge whether he did the right or wrong thing?

I know that I believe in him and he believes in me.....and that's faith enough for me.

10 Comments:

Blogger Kellie said...

What a great post!! I know I've done many things to make Him disappointed in me, but I also know He's blessed me a thousand times over.

May 16, 2007 at 6:18 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

What a great post! I cannnot believe that your former priest refused to baptize Kyle! Kyle didn't choose how he was conceived! That is so so stupid to me. My mom was raised Catholic and so was my best friend. I am like Jeff, I guess, I do not agree with most of the beliefs of the Catholic church.

As far as I'm concerned, just because you go to church every Sunday, does not, in any way, make you a better person or more of a Christian than I am. I pray, I believe, I also get angry. No on has the right to judge you besides God.

May 16, 2007 at 6:47 AM  
Blogger That Chick Over There said...

I've said before, and I'll say it again: I think faith is very, very personal.

And I agree with rachel. Sitting in church every Sunday won't get you into Heaven!!!

May 16, 2007 at 7:08 AM  
Blogger Emma in Canada said...

This post screamed my name. I too was raised Catholic, and 3 of my 4 children are baptised Catholic. The church though, is nowhere near my own political beliefs. I really want Sophie baptised (and William refuses to go Catholic) and so I am looking into other churches. I think Anglican fits in with the majority of my thoughts, so I'm going to check those parishes out.

Oh and when I had Saoirse baptized I was lectured like you wouldn't believe. Terrible.

May 16, 2007 at 7:42 AM  
Blogger M said...

Totally agree with your post and then some.

I find attending church to be a positive asset but not an absolute necessity. Obviously I've gone this long w/o it and don't feel any less a Christian or any less connection with God...yet when I do attend something feels more within ME. Taking the time to really pause (because I don't do it enough).

Faith is SO personal. Being a good human is ultimately what it's all about. And you are a good human. And a half.

May 16, 2007 at 8:29 AM  
Blogger velocibadgergirl said...

Beautiful, beautiful entry.

May 16, 2007 at 10:55 AM  
Blogger CPA Mom said...

Interesting that with such a personal topic, everyone seems to agree here so far - and I'll jump in on the same bandwagon. My problem with organized religion? The rules and regulations they throw down your throat. And the guilt and the ex-communication if you break a rule. I think organized religion is very OLD TESTAMENT and not enough NEW TESTAMENT. Really, God doesn't care about all that stuff. He cares about what you wrote about.

And yes, I was raised Catholic. I fell away for years, joined United Methodist and came back to Catholic. So much calls me here, while so much makes me want to run away screaming. I still have a long way to go on this faith journey of mine.

May 16, 2007 at 6:58 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

That was beautiful. Simply beautiful.

I believe in a loving Heavenly Father. It saddens me that so many people of so many faiths misunderstand him. Think he would condemn his children without warning or reason.

I love what the other gals have said already. And thanks for sharing this with us. You amaze me, you know.

May 16, 2007 at 9:33 PM  
Blogger frannie said...

what a very personal thing to share-- you did it beautifully!

May 17, 2007 at 6:54 AM  
Blogger Liza's Eyeview said...

Landed here through Happy Working Mom (saw your blog on her side bar I think...). Just want to share my story and share with you the verse in the Bible that says "You shall seek me and find me when you shall search for me with all your heart"....

http://lizas-eyeview.blogspot.com/2007/03/i-grew-up-believing-that-good-people-go.html

June 21, 2007 at 7:19 PM  

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