They Say The Truth Shall Set You Free

Last week That Chick called me to tell me she'd been getting emails asking if I was alright.

I'm getting emails asking if I'm ok.

There is something I've been trying to keep from my blog. Something I didn't want to creep over into my "alternative blog world". Something I wanted to keep very private almost as if I didn't talk about it here, it couldn't really be happening to me.

This was supposed to be my happy place.

Back at the beginning of Spring I was diagnosed with Stage 1 Breast Cancer.

I did a round of radiation treatments and some oral chemo.

About a month ago we find out that it's possible we didn't get it all.

So I had to cancel my trip to see That Chick because that was the week I had a port put in for additional chemotherapy treatments.

Since then...I've been pretty useless. I'm tired all the time, I'm sick, I'm losing my hair, I've had to hire someone to come in twice a week to take care of the baby because usually the day after treatment I don't get out of bed.

It's been 3 weeks and I have to go for 2 more. I'll wrap up just in time to attempt to move. Oh joy! Then more tests, more blood work, more poking and prodding and seeing if things have spread. Then we see what happens.

Lately, when I get online I hardly even check email. I get on to balance the checkbook, maybe research something I'm looking for that I might need for the new house..and that's it. I'm not very mobile these days. They gave me meds to help with the nausea...but just like with my pregnancy...they don't work all that well.

Some days Casey and I watch a lot of movies...some days like last week when Chick called me...I was up and running a quick errand..in an attempt to still feel human. Some days Kyle and I will take Casey to the park and he'll chase her all over while I find a bench in the shade and watch. Those are the days that hit me the hardest...I can't chase my little girl around. I can't run and laugh and play with her.

Other days..I do a lot of crying and feeling sorry for myself..but I do my best to snap out of it.

Right now...Jeff and I are tossing around the idea of a possible double mastectomy. I think if I beat it this time around..getting rid of all the tissue just makes sense to me...but it becomes quite a complicated matter when the things that make you feel so feminine are the things that could kill you.

Anyway, I just thought it was time to let my painful secret that seems to weigh 10 tons out of the box.

Only problem is...I don't feel any lighter.