He could suck the romance out of a chick flick

I swear to frogs..my dear husband, Jeff is a romantic person when he wants to be. However, the other 99.9% of the time...he has this incredible knack for ruining every romantic moment a married couple with 2 kids might have.

Like today....we're discussing our vacation and what needs to be done, etc. Conversation was most do this, do that, your Mom this, my sister that when the conversation then took this lovely wacky ass turn.

A: "Well we have XX of money for trip, plus Kelly is gonna see my Mom tonight and she's giving XX for my birthday so we can add that to the trip money."

J: "Well what about MY birthday it's next Friday while we're there ya know."

A: "Right honey, I'm your wife but I had no idea it was your b-day next week. Honest. How could I be so forgetful. My Mom said she'd thrown more in if you wanted cash for your b-day so I told her yes. Ok?"

J: "Oh....cool."

A: "Do you realize tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary of the first time we saw each other, our first date, wh-----" being cut off by the "bowchickabowbow, bowchickabowbow" porno circa 1970 music starts and my husband says...

J:" You mean the first time....you saw the love muscle, the thunderbolt, Herman the One Eyed Wonder Weasel that's right I tapped it on our first date."

A: "You just couldn't let that romantic moment last longer that 2.2 seconds could you. No, clearly YOU couldn't. So instead of celebrating 5 years of togetherness, you totally turned it to sex and point out that you married an easy whore. That's just lovely."

J: "Well honey...at least you're my easy whore."

Honestly with love and devotion like that....

I tell you there is not a jury in the world that would convict me.

Answers to Ask Angie Wednesday

Ok…I’ll attempt to answer the questions in the order they were asked of me.

That Chick asks:

Do you think I’m pretty?

Um, that is a well know fact. I think you gorgeous both inside and out. The light that shines on my life simply from knowing is in unparalleled in any other friendship I’ve made in my adult life. Nothing compares to the joy that is, well you. I adore you, my sister, my friend.

Amy from A Family Story asks:

The acid thingie- and anything else I want to add.

Well, I want ½ credit for the acid because I didn’t do it willingly. At a party in high school (back before the date rape drug and it was SUPPOSED to be safe to leave your beer) I left my beer on top of a shelf and went to the bathroom. When I came back I chugged it down. Not long after I felt VERY odd….and when I said something to my friends, 2 of them giggled and one looked horrified. Then she said “Zack dropped acid in your beer can.” I was NOT right the rest of the night. Thankfully my Mother was very gracious about the whole thing and stayed by my side til I came back down to Earth. So since I didn’t do it willingly, I’m only counting $2.50

I'll add another tidbit from the fine list.

Smoked pot — $10* In high school a few times, once WITH my Mother another occasion with my Father when I was in my 20s. Really, how inappropriate can one family be?

SJ from All the Jones Men asks:

How did you find my blog and do I read regularly?

I found your blog from That Chick’s blog roll. This week it’s on my “Blog Watch” where I’m reading for a week and deciding whether to add people to my regular read list. (Hint: Due to your adorable children and my need to have a long blog roll so I feel important, you’ll be added at the end of this week.)

CPA Mom asks:

You are online between 4 and 6 A.M.? I'm barely conscious at 5:30. You must tell me your secret for getting up so early. And why the hell you are doing it.

Most days, yes. I get up at 4 or 4:15. WHY, you ask? Well my hours at work are 7am to 3:40pm. In order for me to get to work on time…..(should the train be delayed) I have to be on a 5:44am train into downtown Chicago, which means I have to leave my house at 5:10, which means I have to be up at 4 or 4:15. I usually spend 15 minutes on in the morning, then if I have time from 6:40 til 7am I log on from work. Then I’m a bad employee and check about a trillion times a day from work. My secret….HAVE none. I’ve been doing these hours for about 6 months and I’m still not used to it.

I want to know how you met your husband.

I met my husband online. Our “first date” anniversary is tomorrow. I will have met him 5 years ago on the 26th.

How many times you've been married.

Jeff is my 2nd marriage and last. I will NOT do this again..no matter what.

How many "partners" you've had in your life.

WOW…honestly…I tried to do this once and not only couldn’t I remember some of their names..but the number got so high I had a panic attack about the AIDS virus forming 14 years later in my body and stopped counting.. Let me just say…it’s more than bakers dozen.

I'm totally confused about the acid thing. Did you and Amy email each other or something? Now I'm dying with curiosity.
Well I think I covered the acid thing.

Stay tuned where next week....Ask Angie Wednesday will bring you all the facts about well..I don't know yet...

Cute Constuction Boy Watch-Day Three

The "dirty girl fine" list made me think of this...

Solely because I really think CCB (Cute Construction Boy) is 24 or under..so therefore ten years younger than me..and I've had sex with someone 10 years OLDER than me...and since I'm married the 10 years younger is likely never to happen...

But anyway the point of the post was not about sex..just how one thing led to another and led me to blog about it.

Anyway, today again there were no seats in my car but there was in CCB's car.

So there I am again facing him because he's faced backwards. Very odd that he wants the entire car 36-40 people staring at him..but whatever.

As soon as I sat down, CCB smiled at me. I smiled back, pulled out my book and started reading.

About half way downtown we stop at 59th street and a few people get on and a woman say 3-6 years older than me so late 30s to 40 maybe sits down NEXT to CCB. I keep reading....I can't get into what I'm reading..and I start people watching.

Within a few minutes CCB is talking to this woman, that was VERY pretty by the way. Just very natural pretty, if you know what I mean.

I couldn't hear but they were discussing his dried, calloused hands I think because they both kept looking down at them and he'd turn them over a few times. Either that or they were discussing the tattoo on the back of his one hand. Whatever but he talked with his hands a lot, motioned towards the city as if to say "I work down there" and motioned hammering and holding a drill. She smiled and responded back to most of it. He was so animated he lost some of his mystery to me but still so cute.

Of course the young Columbia students where nowhere to be found...but I thought to myself..

"Take that; you young chippies...I think CCB likes older women."

The Elastic is Shot in my Underwear

Yes, these are the freakish things that happen to me:

On my 15 minute walk to work today I'm beginning to feel something in my pants. Almost like "Holy Shit is a fabric softener sheet gonna coming flying out my pant leg?" Kind of way, except that most of my pants for work are dry cleaned.

SO.

I keep walking and the bulge is getting bigger.

Uh..

OH..holy crap on a cracker....it's MY UNDERWEAR.

So picture the "pee pee" legs have crossed trying not to FULL stride walk for another 1.2 blocks, up the elevator, straight to the bathroom....when I finally get in there..and my underwear are indeed bunched up in the crotch of my work pants.

I yank them back up...and think..."Let's see how long this lasts."

Anyone got any tape?

My Very First "Tag" you're it MEME post.

I had no idea what this "tagged" thing meant..so I thank That Chick and Bethany for a description of what us "Virgin Bloggers" should do.

So 5 things about me:

1) I'm absolutely petrified of clowns. Ever since my Mom dragged a very innocent 8 yr old to see Poltergeist in the theater and the clown came to life and attacked the boy. Yep. Terrified. For this reason, I've never been to the circus, never taken my children to the circus. Have peed my pants at a Haunted House when 3 "psycho" clowns came running up to me cackling and screaming and my husband left me to fend for myself. I close my eyes during those parts of the movie now. Have never seen Steven King's "It". Just won't do it. I even went far enough to ask that my baby gifts NOT have clowns on them. I'm a freak.

2) I have 3 tattoos. Even though I said I'd never get another one..I think I' d like one more. I got a butterfly about a year after my divorce in 1999, a boy angel that looks alot like Kyle in 2000 and a Mother's Heart for both the kids last year in 2006.

3) Even though I was married in 1996 for a brief time. I didn't ACTUALLY fall in love for the first time until June of 2000. I was 28.

4) Even though I have an incredibly outgoing personality, I'm incredibly insecure. I'm always wondering what people are saying about, what they think, do they like me. Sometimes the thoughts keep me up at night and I wish I weren't so sensitive about it. I'm working on that.

5) I could eat a whole box of Hostess Suzy-Qs in one sitting. I haven't since High school but am fairly certain given enough depression I could do that and more.

So there's 5 things about me for now..

Now I'm supposed to tag other people...since I'm fairly new and my blog roll isn't too long..and everyone I know mentioned other people..I'm only going to tag 2 people that don't look like they were tagged yet....sooo...

Here you are:
Amy and

Emma wanted to be tagged too.

Enjoy

"Ask Angie" Wednesday

I have no idea why I'm doing this..I may regret it..but since I'm a relatively new blogger...we'll have "Ask Angie Wednesday" where you can ask me anything you'd like about whatever and I'll do my fair best to answer you honestly.

Amy wanted to know my stories.... from the fines I have to pay...so maybe she'll start there.

Who knows?

Here's how it'll work.

I check online usually between 4 and 6am. Whatever questions are posted to me tomorrow on my regular comment "Ask Angie" post, I will answer overnight in one big response post on Thurs AM, fair enough?

Oh my dear sweet Lord, this might be a disaster...but should be fun.

Clearly the child watches too much TV

Last night I'm "firming" up plans with my sister for our trip we're about to take...

We're discussing if she has any books I can read, what we're packing, etc....and in the general conversation it comes up that my son has a NEW girlfriend. (Now remember in the world of 14 year olds they have a NEW boyfriend/girlfriend every 2.2 seconds)

My sister said..."Now WHY would he go and do that just before Disney?"

So I start having one of those 3 way conversations where you and one other person are on the phone and the third person is standing in the room and you keep repeating what that person is saying to the person on the phone and vice versa. When after a while you wonder WHY you're even on the phone at all.

So it goes something like this.

Me: "Auntie Kel wants to know why you would go and do something like that just before Disney?"

Kelly: "Now he has to buy her a gift."

Me: "Yeah Kyle, now you have to buy her a gift."

Kyle: *insert scared straight face* "I DO? We'll only be going out like a week when I leave."

Kelly: "Doesn't matter."

Me: " That's right. Doesn't matter. You're leaving for a week, you have to buy her something."

Kyle: "Ok, yeah sure. Will you help me pick something out Mom? Wait do I have to spend a lot?"

Kelly: LOL "No, you don't. But does he also know that he can't be spitting any game at the chicks there."

Me: "Auntie Kel says no you don't have to spend a lot. We'll find something but you do realize you and Cody can't be spitting game at any other girls since you have a girlfriend?'

Kyle: "Well, just like they say about Vegas. What happens at Disney stays at Disney?"

Me and Kelly: "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Kelly: "Oh that kid is funny. He cracks my shit up."

Kyle: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Me: "Ok that's funny but not...get serious. Cody will never keep quiet. Unless of course he has a girlfriend too..so you have blackmail."

Kyle: "We already worked it out."

Me: "Ok I have to go..."

Hang up with Kelly..and take this opportunity to give a Parent 101 lesson.

"Kyle, you aren't really ever going to be THAT guy are you? You realize that no other girl's lip should be touching ANY part of your body while on this trip except people you are related to, RIGHT? Doesn't matter if she's your girlfriend for 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months...you aren't THAT guy...understand? If you wanted freedom you shouldn't have asked her out BEFORE the trip...do we understand? Where is your Dad when it's time to have guy discussions like this? I taught you to pee standing up, isn't that enough? Jeez."

Kyle: chuckling at his Mom..."I know I get it Mom. I won't be doing anything on purpose. I can talk to other girls and hang out at the arcade at the hotel and stuff right?"

Me: "Yes of course, as long as your INNOCENT enough..." almost whimpering now..."Kyle, please do me right, don't ever turn out to be THAT awful guy. Ok?"

Kyle: "True dat Mama. True. True. I don't want to be that scummy guy. I promise."

Exit super duper teenage boy child....

Is he 30 yet?

Can I pay my fine with a credit card?

I stole this from That Chick Over There and she stole it from someone else...so on and so forth. Let's see how I do...

Smoked pot — $10*
Did acid — $5*
Ever had sex at church — $25*
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40*
Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25*
Had sex for money — $100*
Vandalized something — $20*
Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10*
Beat up someone — $20*
Been jumped — $10*
Crossed dressed — $10*
Given money to stripper — $25*
Been in love with a stripper — $20*
Kissed some one who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10*
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15*
Ever drive drunk — $20*
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50*
Used toys while having sex — $30*
Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20*
Went skinny dipping — $5*
Had sex in a pool — $20*
Kissed someone of the same sex — $10*
Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20*
Cheated on your significant other — $10*
Masturbated — $10*
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20*
Done oral — $5*
Got oral — $5*
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving — $25*
Stole something — $10*
Had sex with someone in jail — $25*
Made a nasty home video — $15*
Had a threesome — $50*
Had sex in the wild — $20*
Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25*
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20*
Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20*
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25*
Been in love with two people or more at the same time — $50*
Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25*
Went streaking — $5*
Went streaking in broad daylight — $15*
Been arrested — $5*
Spent time in jail — $15*
Peed in the pool — $0.50*
Played spin the bottle — $5*
Done something you regret — $20*
Had sex with your best friend — $20*
Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25*
Had anal sex — $80*
Lied to your mate — $5*
Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25


This is NOT per INFRACTION thank God...I could be here ALL Day adding this stuff up...however, I want 50% discount on the ACID $5 fine. Someone DROPPED it in my can of beer without telling me in high school, therefore, I'm only paying $2.50. It's my blog and I can do what I want.

As for the rest of my answers.....I know you want to know..but my Grand Total Fine is:



$478.50 (because of my $2.50 discount and not cuz I peed in a pool for 50 cents)

M'kay? Just so we're clear on that. I don't want you to think I peed in a pool...but how in the hell I got up to almost $480??? That's not important...it's only important that you know I'm not gross enough to pee in a pool.

Hi, I'm 34 and I have a "Crush"

Yes that's right..you heard me...I have a little Crush, infatuation or whatever with this guy that rides the train to work with me. Yes, yes, I know..a little too "Unfaithful" or "Derailed" for you?

My train ride is a whopping 35 minutes and truth be told...

I've never spoken to the.......









READY?


READY?






KID- In my humble opinion.

Although looks can be deceiving, this "kid" couldn't be more than 24 or 25. (I know, I know...not really a kid) but 10 years younger than me seems like a kid to me and let's face it...couples like Demi and Ashton...are just not the norm? If I told you I had a crush on a hot older, Robert Redford type guy..that might be more socially acceptable, no?

Anyway, clearly the kid works outside or in a not so warm climate because he's covered head to toe in Carhartt clothing and a carries a big cooler for his lunch every day.

He's just got this incredible baby face, with a little facial hair that he trims from goatee to one of this hug the jaw line slim beards (ala Paul Tuttle from Orange County Choppers) and he looks like he could work in a motorcycle shop. He just has that way about him. He also has the hands of a working man. Calloused and dry. Maybe that's what it is...he's so DIFFERENT from most of the office type people that ride the train.

The funniest thing is that he tries really hard not to make eye contact with anyone, especially me. Truth is, I don't see him every day.

See my train, when you enter you can go to the left or right to sit down. I usually go to the right so that I'm facing the way the train is moving, he usually sits in the other car. So only on days that my car is crowded do I see him because I'll go looking for a spot and sit backwards, which I'm not very fond of. Anyway, point is I might see him once or twice a week on the way in.

Today I saw that many people must have been running late as my car was half empty.....so I sat down in the 2nd seat...and facing me sitting backwards in a four seater....there he was. One seat away basically. Now I could have gotten up and moved to another empty seat but how weird would that have looked?

So I got comfortable and started reading my book. Hoping and praying to stay awake since I didn't want cute construction boy (oh have I mentioned that's what I call him?) to see me falling asleep. Well at some point I must have dozed off..because when we came to a stop and I woke up..he was staring at me and when I looked at him he smiled at me.

So I smiled back....and I'm pretty sure I blushed.

WHAT THE HELL AM I NEW HERE? AM I suddenly 14 again? Am I NOT married with 2 kids and the most wonderful husband I could ask for?

Clearly...something is wrong with me. LOL

Anyway, cute construction boy gets off about 2 stops before me so I don't have to get any closer to him than where I sit....and when I got into the vestibule to get off at my stop I overheard 2 young girls with Columbia College backpacks.

"Did you see him today? My gosh...he's got that pretty boy scruff thing down huh? I actually saw him smile today, I've never seen him smile. I was pretty far back so I wonder what he was smiling at??" (Now this conversation was not even a tenth of as intelligent as it types out. Picture teen aged girls OMG'ing and Like ya know-ing.... all over the place..and that's what it sounded like)

Funniest thing ever though...

I'm 34....not too OLD right?

The other girl says to the first girl...

"Well maybe he was smiling at us cuz like all the other women on this train are fat and old."

Yes..I'm 34, old and fat...however, I'm fairly certain he was smiling at me waking up and looking run and hide embarrassed... so I'll take my little cute construction boy fantasy with me..thank you very much..and try to remember...crushes are harmless.

No Front Door Post for me!

I wanted to be involved with the "picture from your front door" but too many things kept me from doing this.

A) We live in an apt and my view from MY actual front door..another apt door. View from my downstairs front door to the outside..another apartment building. So not fun on either count. Quite depressing for me actually.

B) It snowed overnight Sat, so when I woke up Sunday morning...it would have been a white blob with the door to the other apartment across the way.

C) The time I spent outside with my camera this weekend was helping boy child document his science experiments. Shooting a 2 liter bottle off the ground with different accelerators. I had to stand 10 feet away so to not get covered with tap water, carbonated mineral water, Mountain Dew soda, vegetable oil or chocolate syrup. Although apparently we've proven that the thicker substances don't do well since after 4 pumps of air the cork merely fell out and chocolate sauce oozed all over the ground. So 4 out of 5 rockets took flight. YAY!

D) I downloaded all pictures from the digital last night so that all our memory cards are empty and ready for my trip.

Sadly, the biggest reason I didn't do the "Picture from my Front Door" is letter A.

I'm very sad that I still live in an apartment and I didn't want to remind myself.

However, I will enjoy seeing every one's pictures.