He's SO VAIN...(and naive and young still thank goodness)

So last night adorable teen boy says

“Hey Mom can you help me figure out a way to get all these pictures on this board without it looking stupid?”

See super duper teenage boy is working on extra credit for literature or whatever…anyway he’s working on a poster board with his family tree on it…(ya know the evil witch that DEMANDED he write “Step Dad”) he refused this time…and I tell you ..if he brings home anything less than 100 pts on this thing, I’ll want an answer as to why because this thing was gorgeous. He’d gone to the Internet and found family crests for both his Dad’s surname as well as my Maiden name and put them at the top, did his diagram of my side vs. Dad’s side. He outlined each individual box in black marker, my side had their names in red, Dad’s side in blue.

Then Kyle found the most adorable pictures of everyone that is on the board. Pictures of him and Casey, a picture of Jeff and I from our wedding, Jeff, Kyle and I before Casey was born, my Dad, Jeff’s family..just covered the rest of the board in family pictures.

Kyle gets done gluing them all on.


No here comes the He's so Vain part

“Ya know Mom…..we got a shit ton of family huh?”

Cue the “Kyle are you FUCKING KIDDING ME, you’re swearing in front of me again stare”.

“Yes dear. Dad comes from a big family.”

“Yes he does..but ya know what, considering there are so many of us, we’re a pretty GOOD LOOKING bunch…I mean really. Look, not an ugly one in the bunch.”

“Honey, that’s cuz we’re don't marry within our own family.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind.”


Imagine that the kid didn't get my inbred joke. Thank God.

Sometimes I forget he's my son and not my little brother and I'm wildly inappropriate with him. Did I ever tell you about the time he was "snuggling" with me right around Christmas and I yelled "Get your penis off my leg" NO? Ok another blog for another time...anyway, I just laughed..and thought "You are SO gonna lose Mother of the Year. Again. Better luck next year. Although I think I've been disqualified til year like 2018" Fine.

I just sat that and considered that as big as he's getting he still so young and so naive and so much fun. Honestly though…I adore that freaking kid…he’s made my life something special..that is for sure.


Now if you've stayed with me through the PENIS story...I'd like to share some new and old pictures of my Super Duper boy with you...although you can see that my stellar Mother techniques are wearing off on him and he's passing them on to his sister...otherwise there's just some really heartfelt moments here.







See what I mean? Inappropriate...but funny.

Have I mentioned

That I have to wear a WETSUIT when I'm in Florida?

No??? Hmmm that's odd...cuz it is right now the highlight and low point of my vacation.

We're going to Dolphins in the Depth at Epcot where you get to interact with the dolphins. Another $120 (X7 people) gift that my Father tacked on to this trip. Where he's getting the money to finance the majority of this trip, I'll never know.

So imagine my surprise when along with the announcement that we were going were the directions for what to bring (towel & bathing suit), what not to (jewelry, camera) and the fact that they carry wet suits up to a size 5x. Yes that's right a 5x. (This is where I get on my soap box about the fact that just cuz they make hoochie clothes such as spandex in my size..does NOT mean I'm supposed to wear them in PUBLIC, ok done.)

So while I think if they run to size..I'm somewhere between a 2x and 3x depending on how much room they have up front for the "ladies" I'm still run and hide embarrassed that I'll be seen in public in a wet suit.

My biggest fear is GETTING into the suit.

Anyone got an industrial size barrel of Crisco so I can grease myself in?

Yeah send it COD to Disney for arrival on the 31st. Thanks.

What AM I really?

My very good friend (and sister from another Mother) That Chick blogged today about a conversation with a co-worker thinking that blogs are stupid.

That Chick mentioned that she isn't a "Mommy Blogger". Clearly if you read her blog..she's a hilariously funny blogger. Me, I'm not funny all the time.

I have 2 separate blogs myself...this one and a weight loss one in an attempt to finally shed baby weight from 14 years ago.

However, WHAT Is this blog?

Being new to the blogger world.....I wonder. Is there etiquette? Do I have to fall into a genre? Can't I say I'm a Hodge Podge of things? Do I have to pick a TYPE? Am I breaking some unwritten or (OH GOSH) written rule somewhere that I have to have ONLY certain type of posts in my blog? Are the blog police reading me and keeping tabs and eventually will come to shut me down for breaking the rules?

For me, it's a place to air my thoughts. Good, bad, emotional, family related, work related, funny stories about my kids, good things that happen in my life, things that suck in my life, stories about myself. There is no rhyme or reason to how I'll post my thoughts because believe you me....if I could categorize my thoughts that simply..I wouldn't be the dysfunctional person I am today.

I hope that's OK with everyone.

My Oprah Debut

Emma asked about my Oprah Debut.

Well I was 18 at the time. I know we taped the show in April but it aired May 1, 1991. 4 weeks before my high school graduation, 2 weeks before my senior prom and even though I'd attempted to keep it quiet..my entire school knew about it. All 3,000 students. Every TV in the AV department had been signed up for use, people taped it at home and a few kids even brought in those small black and white counter top TVs to class if their teachers hadn't been able to get a TV to watch.

::cue music::

"Today's Show will be about Parents That Allow Their Children to have SEX in their home."

That's right.

Me, my 36 year old Mother and my 15 year old sister were on the stage. The entire time. We were the first guests. (Now this is back when Oprah had the different format and the whole show was about one thing). So there I sat for basically 45 minutes.

Now in the audience set up at different microphone stages she had a family from Florida where the Mom allows her teenage son to have sex in the home and another set of parents that allow their 16 yr old daughter to have sex with her boyfriend.

Oprah's people were also smart in that they gave about 100 tickets for the show to 2 local high schools so that there were teachers and students there...(presumably to balance the argument).

After the first break a woman was brought on the stage with my family. She said she told her daughter to abstain. She commanded her daughter to abstain. She said if you tell your kids not to do it, they won't. (not sure which bubble she lived in...but I bet it was nice). She believed that sex should only be shared within the confines of marriage and that if you teach your kids from an early age not to have sex they won't. She was convinced her 22 yr old daughter hadn't done it and her 20 year old son was still a virgin. Maybe they were....and I don't knock her for trying it either...especially if it worked..but when I was ready to do it..nothing my Mom taught me could have prevented me from doing it.

Anyway, after much yelling and discussions with her...she basically tried to light my Mom up as this awful parent for allowing us to do it at ALL much less in her house. My Mom fired back with "That isn't the point..the point of the show is they are ALREADY doing it....I just want them as safe as possible if they are going to do it. Having this discussion with them opens up other discussions about birth control, multiple partners and other things. " My Mom told the story of being parked out in the back woods in high school herself..NOT having sex..just a major half-dressed make out session with a boyfriend when a copy pulled up and made them both stand half-naked in the headlights while he ran the boyfriend's plate and license...basically humiliating them and scaring the shit of out my Mom. She also spoke of her best friend from high school that was nearly raped in a forest preserve one night when she and her boyfriend were doing it and 3 drunk guys walking in the woods found them. The guys stood watching, wouldn't leave and started to get physical with her boyfriend when the Sheriff's patrol pulled up..otherwise she might have been raped. My Mom's argument was.....if they are doing it...doing it in their own bed..I know they are safe and I can keep tabs on the boys they date and I know..they are only in ear shot of someone else home should they choose to NOT want to proceed.

After another break a woman came on for our side saying it's NOT for everyone..most kids don't want to have sex when their parents are home...they want their privacy...but knowing they won't get caught and get into trouble allows kids that DO have emotions connected to their partners the opportunity to express them rather than a quick romp at a party with screaming teenagers outside the door. Her argument was that sex in teenagers was becoming less and less about intimacy and that these kids would carry it into adulthood and then pass that on to their kids...where if kids had quieter locations, more communication with parents and more time to connect...fewer of them were actually having sex with their partners EVERY time they were together. It was back to taking on that "special" quality.

More arguments from the crazy "tell them NOT to do it and they won't. You're a bad parent" lady..

Then one last guest was brought out..another lady teaching girls to abstain. She was a born again virgin after a date rape situation. She was kind of in the middle. She wanted girls to abstain so that when they were older and decided to do it..it would be for the right reasons. However, she believed in the "allowing kids to have their partners in their rooms" because she was date raped at the boy's house when no one was home because her parents wouldn't allow her to have anyone in their house and doors always had to be open to the bedroom or family room at all times...so rather than be at her house to "make out" they went to his and it went too far.

Basically, I talked a lot about my sex life, which was funny because by the time it aired, I didn't have one. My serious high school boyfriend and I had broken up about 6 months before the show and I didn't even have a real date for my prom. I had been sexually active nearly 3 years when it aired and I'd already had 3 partners. 2 fairly close together and then a long dry spell. Then my serious boyfriend for a year. Then another dry spell.

That summer...everywhere my sister and I went together you could see people's mouths shape in the "O" for Oprah....the beach, the mini-golf place...you name it.

So that was my 15 minutes of fame.

Oh and for Bethany...since I'm answering my "numbers" comments.

By the time I was 20 I'd had (and I'm a little ashamed to admit it) lost my virginity 5 years earlier. I'd had my share of partners....and I'd had a child. The first time I had REALLY good sex..I was 20...almost 21 with the groomsman from my Uncle's wedding. He was 27, which was the first time I'd been with someone significantly older than me...so that might have something to do with it. It was just a fling..but it opened my eyes up to realizing that sex didn't have to suck.

So there it is....

How's that for TMI???

Numbers Numbers Numbers

I stole this from That Chick Over There and she stole it from someone else..and probably her from someone else..we're all a bunch of thieves in the blog world in this respect..get over it.

Here are my numbers..

1- The number of ex-husbands I have.
2- The number of children I have
3- The number of siblings I have
4- The date my brother was born.
5- The number of years I am about to know my husband (Jan. 26th)
6- The number of places I lived until I moved out on my own.
7- The number of cars I ever drove until I bought my current car.
8- The number of the month my daughter was supposed to originally be born in.
9- The number of doors in my house.
10- Number of times I try to say I love to my husband and kids in a day.
11- The age I was when I first got Aunt Flo
12- The number of nieces and nephews I have on my husband’s side
13- The age I was when I got my braces put on
14- The total number of nieces and nephews I have on both sides
15- The age I was when I lost my virginity
16- The age I was when I got my first speeding ticket
17- The age I was when I had my first serious boyfriend
18- The age I was when I was on the Oprah Winfrey Show
19- The age I was when I had my first child
20- The age I was when I had REALLY GOOD SEX for the first time

I "raised" him right

Couple things...

I'm having a minor panic attack about my darling son.

See Kyle is just. the. most. precious. thing. to me ever and he's already 14. (GOOD Frogs-when did that happen?)

Friday he came home and he says "Mom, I'm up to 5'11"."

"You are NOT..who told you that?"

"School."

"Oh is it time for that height/weight Presidential Fitness thing again?"

"Nope, I got measured for my cap and gown today for graduation."

::silence fell on the room::

(Tears filling my eyes) "Oh Bubba."

Then he proceeds to have a conversation with me about how people are just too damn nosey.

"Huh?"

"Well you know I did this family tree thing for social studies class. When I first started it Ms. Newton said I HAD to write if it was my step-father. When I told her I didn't even talk to my real Dad so what difference does it make? I have a Dad, I have to branches to use. She got mad and said "If it's NOT your biological parent you have to write step-dad." Which I guess if fine...but then this paper that is due Tuesday where I have to talk about my ancestors it was like she singled me out again saying "if you are using your STEP-PARENTS ancestors the paper should say that." Really Mom...what business is it of theirs if he's my Dad or my adoptive Dad or my step-Dad? I don't call him my step-Dad...to me, he's my DAD and that's all that should matter. I'm not trying to get out of doing the work saying I don't have a Dad I'm still doing the work so WHY do I have to put a label on it just for them. Really...what difference does it make? and all it does is make me feel bad and make me worry that Dad will think that's how I think of him."

Again, I'm crying....

"Kyle, you're a good kid."

Seriously, after 5 years of nearly strangling both of them for the way they go at each other sometimes....this was the first time I can remember Kyle being very defensive for Jeff..and showing that deep down...he really thinks of Jeff as his Dad.

To me..this meant everything. It meant all the bonding I've encouraged, all the talk about blood not making people family, all the times I wondered if Kyle loved him like he loves me....were worth it.

God Damn I love that kid.

Never when you need it, always when you don't

So today my boss and I are having a "catch up" conversation since he was out all last week at training.

He starts telling me that it's time for annual review stuff...etc.

Last year my review was less than stellar and mostly cuz I was dealing with a lot of personal crap via phone. Not to mention coming back to work after having a child, which I didn't want to do anyway.

This year hasn't been much better in the "personal phone call" arena....and I'm just not looking forward to it. Especially after last year when during review time I was told we'd just lost a big contract and I could be losing my job. A year later, I'm still here.

Anyway, in the midst of this I ask..."So what are the chances that we can keep the staff where we're at?"

"blah blah blah blah....we're going to do what we can to keep everyone blah blah"

So in agreement with my husband...I sacrificed myself up to the Severance Package Gods and said "Well Mark I'm not sure you know that we're moving sometime in July to Batavia. That will more than double my commute. Jeff and I haven't made any decisions about what we're going to do but there is a chance I may start looking after that SO if you get squeezed and have to make a move, I guess I'm saying..."

"You're saying not to agonize over which of you to let go. That if you were to get a severance package it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world considering your commute will double after July."

"Yes...that's what I'm saying."

"Well Angie, like I said I don't think we're going to be letting anyone go anytime soon and if we do it'll be out of Michigan since we're really heavy staff wise up there but why don't we just agree to keep each other notified of what's going on and we'll see what happens by the end of June."

"Sure. Great idea."

It just freaking figures...when I'd hoped I'd get the axe by say April or May to collect unemployment and stay home for a while to figure out if we could afford for me to stay home........I'm assured that I should have a job here no problem. So that means another annual review complaining of something to make me feel like crap.....but really I have to let it go.

I guess what'll happen then...is really if nothing new is happening by mid-May I'll start looking for work out that way because I don't want to make the commute for ONE day...if I don't have to and I can't willingly leave a job without another one...it's just not in my nature.

Now..if we were desperately in need of the money to BUY this house in July....I'd get the axe next week...because that my friends....is Murphy's Law.