You're only 21 once....

What does a fat girl in her 30s wear to a club where mostly Barbie 20-somethings will be leaving little to the imagination while grinding as if they all watched Carmen Electra’s Sexy Strip Tease DVDs 1,000 times.

Good question.

Considering I haven’t been in one of these types of clubs….in oh forever. I have no idea.

My night life is Vinko The Dancing Bear from Baby Genius DVDs or ya know Jackass 2 depending on who is in control of the remote in the house the toddler or the teenager. (YES, YES my 14 yr old watches Jackass…I’m going to hell. I get it.)

Now, I’m hip..and all. I watch MTV and VH1 N' shit..but honestly those shows scare me and I feel like my eyes are going to start bleeding and fall out of their sockets..so I can’t really watch all that long. Any reality on those channels FRIGHTENS me. Especially Breaking Bonaduce but his wife isn’t a 20-something hoochie so her wardrobe doesn’t help me much.

So what’s a fat girl to wear?

A ribbed turtleneck? Too business-y?

How about one of those sweatshirts with a birdhouse iron-on? Too Grandma-ish?

What about pajama pants, tank top and flip flops complete with my boobs sagging to my knees since I wouldn’t be wearing anything but a shelf bra (AS IF THOSE WORK). No huh…hmmm well I see these girls dressed like that in the mall all the time.

I could go totally 80s and do like the Miami Vice White Suit Jacket and neon fuchsia or even that crazy neon teal blue pointed collar shirt underneath.

I’m still WWWWWAAAAYYYY off aren’t I?

Well I have a week to figure it out. After returning from the gym and feeling like a weight had been lifted assuming I'd feel "thinner" rather than having a major fat day, I went through my closet last night trying to find something. Let me just say...my closet...is NOT bringing sexy back.

See we're going "clubbing" next Saturday for my youngest sister's 21st b-day. She's asked that we all get together and have a few drinks out dancing.

Of course she's invited half her college dance team ..and they are all ranging from size 0 to a size 6. I went to see them compete at Nationals in Daytona last April. Talk about feeling HUGE. Lying on the beach with these girls for 3 days did nothing for my ego.

Anyway, as I'm going through the closet I narrowed it down to 3 options.

Option #1 -I have a lovely sheer white ruffled blouse that I love..but I bought it last year and have worn it to every "fun" function since.

Option #2- I have my new gorgeous ruby velvet blazer with white lace cami underneath that my husband just bought me for Christmas. However, these clubs tend to get super HOT and I don't want to be the fat girl in the corner melting.

Option #3- I also have a lovely mock wrap striped blouse with matching cami to go underneath but in red not blue. Now it's a good cleavage shirt that Jeff adores but let's face it..you have 46 C/D boobs...unless it's a turtleneck..you've got cleavage and this one doesn't over do it so I wouldn't be uncomfortable feeling like everyone is staring at the fat girl's boobs.

















Now I can ALSO run to Lane Bryant tonight on my way home and see if I can find something more "clubby" and that = Run to the back of Lane Bryant to the 80% off clearance rack and find something short sleeved and slinky like these...and hope I can get it for REALLY cheap.





























If I don't find anything...I think I'll go with option #3.

I know that I can't look as thin or young as 90% of the other women that are going to be IN this particular bar and that's ok. Cuz I'm not.

I'm a 34 yr old Mother of 2 that needs to lose about 80-100lbs. Why fight it?

The truth is...I'll be out with my family and friends. WITHOUT my children. I won't be holding a baby on one hip, I won't be holding a sippy cup in my other hand, I won't be covered in Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Cracker crumbs, with a pacifier hanging out my mouth while yelling through gritted teeth "Can someone please take her so I can find the box of yogurt covered raisins BEFORE she has a meltdown?"

ALL this means...I'll be gorgeous no matter what I wear.

I'll be there with my husband and he thinks I'm gorgeous. So I'm gonna wear what makes me feel pretty and is comfortable..so I can get Jiggy With It.

Dear Lord, Please don't let me embarrass my thin, young, gorgeous sister too much.

I really will miss this

As I'm uploading my holiday pictures to my photo galleries...I'm looking at pictures of the kids.

Pictures of my Kyle...and how he seems to be all grown up and I'm not sure exactly when that happened.

Pictures of my Casey and how she went from tiny enough to almost wear my engagement ring as a BRACELET to the big girl that she is. She was 19 months old yesterday (adjusted back to 16 1/2 months for her preemie status)

The ones that seem to get me the most are the ones of the 2 of them together. I love how she'll just reach for him. I love that although he doesn't know it; he'll reach for her like a parent would after a long day. He'll want to tickle her and have a good giggle fest. (Exhibit #1)

People used to look at me ODD when I told them I was pregnant Christmas 2004.

"Won't that make them almost 13 years apart?" YEP

"Are you sure you want to start over?" YEP

"Are you insane?" Uh-duh have you met me?

"Aren't you worried they won't get along?"

NOT AT ALL >I LOVE IT WHEN I'M RIGHT

AND...just like that IT can be you

I just happened to log on to my son's football website to see if there was anything going on with regards to the awards banquet this weekend.

When I saw a post that struck me...it was from our Director of Football and it read

"Prayers for Josh"

Now this particular coach doesn't have any kids 14 or under still playing his kids are in high school and college. So I wondered.."Josh? Who is Josh?"

I opened the thread.

Josh is a 9 yr old little boy that played on one of the younger teams. His parents run the concession stand for our team and he has a sister, Allison, my son's age. (Actually they dated for about 7 weeks-you know how these things go when you're 13 & 14) anyway...they found out the week of Christmas that Josh has Leukemia.

How sad is that?

I can't even imagine.

With all the problems we had with Casey.....I have been very blessed with the health of my children so far. No parent should outlive their child.

This is gonna be expensive right?

So seeing as how I've decided that one of my 2007 goals (that I somehow did not list here) is to "get more on top of anniversary/birthday cards" I ran to Hallmark today.

Let's list my purchase

• 2 Aunt Birthday Cards
• 2 Mother Birthday Cards
• 2 Grandma Birthday Cards
• 1 Sister Birthday Card
• 1 Brother Birthday Card
• 2 "Congratulations on your Pregnancy" Card
• 1 Congratulations Card (for my husband and his recent PROMOTION that takes effect 3/1/07)
• 1 I Love you Anniversary Card for my husband since we'll be together 5 years on 1/26/07
• 1 Generic Funny Birthday Card
• 1 Anniversary Card

Now the last 2 are in red because they are technically for a 12/29 Anniversary and a 12/31 b-day and even though they are LATE..I'm not counting that towards my sucky self or a hit to my 2007 Goal because technically these are for 2006 occasions but NONE the less...can I get it together already?

Anyway, the grand total for this purchase.

$37.74

Yep...being polite, considerate and timely...is going to cost me a small fortune.

Is Hallmark a publicly traded company? Maybe I should invest.

NEWSFLASH- My Ass needs it's own ZIPCODE

So today I was feeling mildly cute.

I got this adorable pumpkin colored sweater from Lane Bryant over the weekend to match these tan, pumpkin, chocolate colored subtle plaid pants. Before this sweater I'd been wearing a plain cream blouse with it..and I coveted this sweater all Fall.

Finally in their lovely after Christmas sale...$19.99 for the sweater..it's MINE.

Anyway, as I'm strolling to the ladies room....I see my reflection in our glass cafeteria door.

J. Lo...ain't got NUTTIN' on me baby.

Good Lord of all the body parts....WHEN did my ass get so big?

Has it always been this big?
I mean if I constantly looked at my ass...my neck would eventually freeze in this crazy distorted position so I just wouldn't know if my ass was spreading like the Red Sea would I?

My ass officially needs it's own zip code.

So much for feeling cute on my birthday.

I think someone is trying to tell me something

Now normally I'm not a woman of "signs" or anything but lately it's been different. Don't ask me why? I don't know why, I don't make the rules.

All I know is that I barely read a book for MONTHS and am now on my 2nd in less than 2 weeks.

In both books one of the characters found out they have melanoma from a mole that started to itch, then bled, then scabbed, then healed, then bled again.

I have 2 moles on my neck. Have had them for years and neither has every really bothered me. However, since starting on the second book I think I'm becoming sympotomatic...they feel like they're itching right? Am I imagining it? Who knows?

What I do know is that ....I should get my butt to the doctor anyway..and have them looked at. Ya know just so I can sleep better at night.

How's THAT for a bummer on my birthday!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today I am 34.

Today my Mother is 52.

Today my MIL is 60 something (66 or 67)

We all have the same birthday. (Talk about feeling like you don't have a thing to yourself)

Tomorrow my brother will be 24.

Again, haven't had my name ONLY on a birthday cake EVER. Age 1 to 10 it was my Mom's and mine. Sometimes mine and my cousin's name because his birthday was Jan. 26th. Age 10 on...it was my brother's name and mine....then eventually mine just fell off altogether.

Why is that such a bad thing? I have no idea.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled blog reading.

Government Agency Stuff Like the DMV and Tax Returns

Agencies like this make me break out in hives.

I had to go to the DMV to renew my driver's license.

Thanks to the Illinois License scam by our former Governor...I got this lovely NASTY Gram from them about 3 months ago saying YOU MUST VERIFY NAME, DOB AND SSN. Meaning you had to have your old license, certified birth certificate and updated SS card. The latter 2 I had to order and just received the final before Christmas.

So today with ONE day to renew my license I get in line at the DMV on my lunch hour. They have a system where you get a ticket (like at the deli counter) with a Letter and then a number. I was ticket B208. Only one problem...in the 5 minutes I stood in line not one "B" ticket was called. A, C, D & E but not one B.

I sit down.....and finally a B is called. B197. Now considering it took almost 5 minutes to hear a B and I'm 11 numbers away..this is not looking good for me. I start to assume it's 11am and lunch hours start. A's are people getting state IDs, C's might be for people that have never had a license, E's (as in EXAM) might be people that need to take the written test...I'm a B and I need to renew..so that leaves D's...what that's stand for ...DUMBASSES like me that wait til the last minute to renew their license.

About 10 minutes go by I'm reading my book trying to pass the time...content that even if it takes a while I am armed with my letter that stated I MUST BRING THIS NOTICE WITH ME, my birth certificate and my SS card so I'm not going to be turned away..atleast it will get done today.

"B198 report to counter 3"
"B199 report to counter 4"

YES more Bs.

Another couple minutes

"B200 counter 3, B201 counter 4"
"B201 counter 4, last call B201 counter 4. B202 counter 4, B203 coutner 3"

Ok...we're moving...

Finally "B208 report to counter 1"

Guess what happens...

Ready.....








READY....



They don't look at my letter I absolutely HAD to bring, they don't look at my ss card I waited 10 days to get and they surely don't look at my certified copy of my birth certificate that took me 6 weeks and $19.95 to get from the State of Arizona.

They ask me to verify my address, ss number and then ask if I want to be an organ donor. "Please look through the eye viewer and read me line 5."

"FHCZ etc.."

"Ok take this to the cashier, pay $10 and then proceed to the photo area."

5 minutes later I had a new license that I could have had 3 months ago rather than the LAST DAY before it expired.

Moving on to problem #2

My husband's company has entered him as EXEMPT for his filing status. Now they've still taken out federal taxes but his last check looks funky like it's broken down into categories. It doesn't look like ENOUGH money as usual but yes there is something taken out.

So now I have to figure out are we in TROUBLE? Do I just file normally like I would and hope that we've paid enough in because we usually get a refund and now it would be a slightly smaller refund to make up the differnce?

First and most important I had Jeff change it on his 2007 paychecks so that 2007 isn't screwed up...but I've always filed our taxes online and now I'm scared to just go on as if I didn't notice anything because I clearly don't want to read a letter with the word "AUDIT" on it.

New Purse- New Boobs....

I feel like I spent a ridiculous amount of money shopping on Friday.

I had a half day of work and decided to leave Casey with the sitter all day (since OH MY GOSH..she only really had her 2 days last week) and take some time for myself.

I had a few things to return to Lane Bryant that I received for the holiday and with that credit and my gift cards I had about $120 to spend.

I managed to get a pair of jeans, 2 sweaters, a shirt, a cami and 4 NEW BRAS. It's like having new boobs. I don't think you ever realize just how shot your bras are until you put on new ones and see yourself in the mirror and say "HOLY SHIT!" There is nothing I love more than a Buy 2, Get 2 FREE sale at Lane Bryant. $70 for 4 bras....a girl just can't go wrong.

Then I had $45 in gift cards to Carson Pirie Scott where I went looking for a new purse. They had a lovely deep wine colored 9 WEST purse (originally $69) on clearance for $26. You betcha. Add in the lovely earrings at 40% and a top marked down to $19.99 and my entire purchase out of pocket for me... about $12, which was great because the earrings and top were b-day gifts for my Mom...so I seriously scored on this one. But I just love my purse. I needed a new one so much.

Then I went to K-mart on Saturday. Found a gazillion things on clearance there for myself...and a lovely Buy one get one 50% off on my favorite underwear (something else I was in desperate need of) and I spent another $100.

When I sat down and thought about all I'd spent...I was shaking ( I hate to part with money and then realize I overspent) but then I broke it down. After all the store credits and gift cards...I'd really only spent about $130 for a TON o shit. Then of course I forgot about the $110 to DSW for 2 pairs of gym shoes for my husband and I for our trip at the end of this month..but really things we needed.

So in fairness I didn't spend ALL that much....but new purse and new bras were definitely my biggest score.

I'm so exciting.