I got NOTHING

Considering it's a Friday and I leave for Disney in 2 weeks one would think I'd have something more upbeat to say.

Truth be told.

I'm sick and tired.

Sick and tired of being SICK AND TIRED

I just had a cough thing before Christmas.
My Daughter had the cough thing before Christmas.
Sunday my daughter woke up with a full blown runny nose, cold.
I've been fighting it all week.
My husband has been fighting it all week.
Wednesday night my husband started to get sick.
By yesterday Big Bald Guy was in full blown "I feel like shit everyone baby me..." man mode.
Today, I have it and I have it GOOD.

Kyle apparently has an immune system of Steel..cuz Casey's been kissing on him all week..and nothing. Maybe he has a big "S" under his shirt that I don't know about.

All this week Casey's congestion has made her restless and kept her up, which of course keeps Mama up. Basically I've had little sleep, which is probably why I'm sick now.

Last night was the straw.

My family has always been dysfunctional. Can't ever remember feeling normal. Well there was a stretch at one point when I was in high school. For the first time ever my step-Dad had a good job and making money kept the fights with my Mom to a minimum. My Mom was working. My parents were getting along during visitation drop offs and we seemed like a family. For a short time.

Other than that...there has always been something that goes on in my family. Always.

Right now..it's the beginning of my youngest sister's time to "feel her way through" the harsh realization that our Mother is FAR from perfect.

My entire family has been down this road.

She basically displaced my brother at 11 and sent him to live with his Dad. Then when he was 14 and asked to come back, she couldn't let him because the guy she was living with didn't want it.

She gave me 6 weeks notice when I was 21 and had a 2 yr old to find a place to live because she was moving an hour away to be with said guy.

That move also put out my other sister while she was away at college. She went from having her own room at home to sharing a room during college breaks with my youngest sister. I'm sure she never felt welcome in his home. He didn't keep quiet what he thought of my Mother's "Baggage". She was basically told that she could stay there for breaks and that she had 9 months to find a place to live AFTER graduation. Not that kids shouldn't find their own way but isn't graduating from college and realizing you're going out into the cold world traumatic enough?

Now my sweet younger sister. My Mom moving in with her current boyfriend this summer basically means she has no where to to go during breaks. She won't have a "home." My Mom has assured her she can have a bedroom at the boyfriend's house but it's not like my sister and the boyfriend are very friendly.

See this all happened very quickly after my Mom's husband passed away. He hasn't even been gone a year yet and my Mom is already discussing moving in with the boyfriend.

This is my Mother. She hasn't really ever been alone. She doesn't want to be alone. Doesn't think she should be alone.

Unfortunately, everything seems to point to the fact that everything seems more important than her kids.

Last night..most of the all the baggage we carry around with us...came to a head and lots of discussions were had.

I was white hot angry til 11pm and couldn't sleep. I'm sure I was still awake approaching midnight..and therefore that lack of sleep...let the cold walk right in.

I woke up and couldn't breathe, cloudy pounding headache and couldn't swallow. Emotional stress...ya think? Lack of rest? YEP.

I love my family and none of us are perfect..but I wish we could all just find a way to co-exist because being in the middle of all this even when I don't choose sides. Even when I tell each person my opinion. Even when NO ONE is right...we're all just feeling what we're feeling.....is quite exhausting for me.

So my goal is to go home, feed the kids and try to get to bed early and take care of me. For once.

What's that song again?

What’s that song again?

Anyone have THAT song?

A song that takes you back to a place in time
A song that’s lyrics are so vividly connected to a memory
Lyrics so poignant they make you cry about a moment even years later

Music is funny that way….

For me…this happened recently.

I mean I hear songs and they take me back to the summer I graduated high school or a song I listened to with a bunch of girls the winter I got my license. Mostly they are happy memories.

Recently I heard a song about my first love. For some women this came in their teens…or even in college. Me, I was 27 the first time I fell in love. I didn’t know it at the time but once that relationship was over I realized that I had never really LOVED my first husband. Maybe at 22 I was playing house. Who knows? But when my first marriage ended…I don’t remember feeling much. However, what I did learn in the summer of 2001 when I was breaking up with this boyfriend was that I had fallen in love for the very first time and now it was over. I was 28, divorced with an 8 yr old son and I’d just broken up with my first love.

Lucky for me I was full of emotion but anger helped me overcome my sorrow. Being angry while getting over a relationship is so helpful. However, eventually you go through the spectrum of emotions and somehow come out on the other end. Sometimes feeling better to have loved and lost; than not at all. Although I was glad that I’d met him and loved him, I was still overcome by pity for him because what happened between us wasn’t about US breaking up. It was HIM not being able to handle the level of commitment we had. He was afraid to settle down, afraid of giving up the things he loved. Afraid I would have him walking an aisle in a year. He was 31 when we broke up.

I’ve kept in touch with some of the people still in his circle and nearly 6 years later he’s still not married. A mutual friend said he’s starting to freak out now about turning 37 and still being single. Part of me feels sorry for him and part of me doesn’t. I tried everything to get him to open up to me and talk about what direction was best for us. I never pushed much on him and he had many freedoms he was so afraid he’d lose.

That is until he cheated on me.

After that I tried to hang on, suggesting counseling, begged, pleaded and made a complete fool of myself. For another 4 months. Eventually I ended it realizing it would never be the same. Some years later I realized that I felt sorry for him because he blew one of the best things that ever happened to him and he didn’t even realize it.

Then about a month ago a song came on the radio….I listened intently and realized it was all the things I would love to say to him now.

I received the CD for Christmas..and although I’m happily married and adore my husband when I listen to THIS song, I still cry. That’s how real the song is, it’s so strong it puts me right back there.



Stupid Boy – Keith Urban

Well she was precious like a flower

She grew wild, wild but innocent

A perfect prayer in a desperate hour

She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy…you can’t fence that in

Stupid boy…it’s like holdin’ back the wind

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands

And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans

She never even knew she had a choice

And that’s what happens when the only voice

She hears is telling her she can’t

Stupid boy Stupid boy

So what made you think you could take a life

And just push it, push it around

I guess to build yourself up so high

You had to take her and break her down

Well she laid her heart and soul right in your hands

And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans

She never even knew she had a choice

And that’s what happens when the only voice

She hears is telling her she can’t

You stupid boy You always had to be right

And now you lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive

I’m the same old, same old stupid boy

It took awhile for her to figure out she could run

But when she did, she was long gone, long gone

"I'm Full of SHIT Mom"

This is the comment that comes from my teenager last night.

"KYLE ERIC- Did you just say SHIT?"

"Yes Mom."

"Uh...oh never mind your 14..you're getting old enough. Just don't make it a habit in front of me or your Dad..and certainly NOT your sister...she's like an echo."

"Ok."

"Why are you full of shit?"

"Well honestly, remember when I was little and you taught me to wipe my own ass?"

"Yes" ::chuckle chuckle::

"Well..I was in the bathroom just now..oh btw don't go in there for about 10 or 15 minutes..something crawled out of my ass..OH OOPS..can I say ASS too? Ok by the look on your face I can seeo no..ok nevermind. Anyway, you always told me when I went poop that I should wipe til the toliet paper was clean because that meant there wasn't any more poop, oh wait SHIT on my ass."

::skaking head in utter failure at my parenting skills::

"O-KAY? and?"

"Well I was in the bathroom and I think I used a whole roll of paper. I mean there was so much shit on my butt cheeks. I was wiping forever. So all I can figure is I'm full of SHIT."

"Kyle....go to your room and stay there while I think of something maternal to say because all I got right now is The Apple doesn't fall far from the tree and that's not exactly a compliment to myself.."

"Ok Mom"

Angie...THIS IS YOUR LIFE.

From the Beginning....

I believe it was Angela aka CPA Mom (and forgive me...how do you add a link to a post so you can all see her hilarity as well) that made a comment about my daughter and her preemie status.

Sometimes I feel like my life started when I was born, other times when I was a teenager, other times when my son was born, then when I married, then when I divorced, then when I met Jeff...and sometimes living LIFE comes in small packages.

2 lbs 11 ounces and 16 inches long to be exact.

See in theory getting pregnant and having a baby you feel crappy for a while but you're pregnant and you learn to live with it for 40 weeks or 9 months (isn't that 10 months) but you get the idea and at the end of it all..you have this gorgeous little bundle of joy to show for it all. That makes all the sickness and pain you felt moot.

In reality, my pregnancy only lasted 30 weeks 2 days.
See my Casey nearly took my life on her way into the world. I had pre-eclampsia. I was diagnosed at 28 weeks and my doctors PRAYED I would make it til the 4th of July and deliver her then.

In MY reality, she came into the world on June 3rd.
In MY reality, I brought her HOME July 11th when she was only 4lbs 11 ounces.
In MY reality, I watched my daughter lie in a hospital for 38 days hanging onto her life for the first 6 days of that. Never knowing if she'd be healthy or normal.
These are pictures from my reality.

This is an old saved "play by play of the day" that I sent to a friend via email:

Thursday, June 2nd- approx. 11pm

I didn't feel well..I told Jeff I didn't feel well. Something just struck me as different...and I'd been following orders of taking it easy, not on my feet much...resting..so I was concerned going to bed.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 7:30 am

I woke up to shower quick and I had a headache and my vision just seemed blurry. Now it was dark in the apartment so I got myself together and left to go to the hospital for my weekly non-stress test.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 9:15am

I'm at the hospital hooked up to a fetal monitor and they are seeing how Casey's heartbeat is. I told the nurses about my symptoms and they took my BP which was 180/100 at the time. They called my doctor to let her know and she said for me to come to my regular appt at noon.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 10:30am

I arrived home to have a quick bite to eat and check in on Kyle since today was his last day of school. He got 3 As, 2Bs, and 2Cs on his final report card and of course promoted to 7th grade. I called my Mom to let her know how I was feeling and what was happening and she told me to "pack a bag just in case", which I did..but I left it on the bed being hopeful that the doctor would just send me back home even if on STRICT bedrest.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 11:45am

My urine came back +2 with protein (which is HIGH) and my BP at the office was 175/111. The doctor walked right in and said.."I'm not even going to spend any time talking to you. You're severely pre-eclamptic. You need to go back to the hospital and check in, I am probably going to have to deliver this baby before the weekend is out."

Friday, June 3rd approx. Noon

I am now in my car...ALONE (wondering why in the hell I didn't make Jeff take the day off...) driving the 15 minutes to the hospital hysterical. I've called my husband, my sister, my Mother and my father and told them all that I'm being admitted...

Friday, June 3rd approx. 1pm

I'm now in my own room at the hospital and swollen so bad from the fluid that the I've now been stuck 6 times. It took 2 sticks to draw blood work and 4 times for my IV. Finally an anesthisologist (sp?) came up and got the vein. My doctor tells me that we're going to insert a "tampon" like device that will help soften my cervix over the next 12 hours and she would like me to try and deliver vaginally at some point on Sat. TOMORROW??? that's too soon....and again I'm alone because Jeff has a deal he NEEDS to close at 4pm...so I told him to keep the appt and come straight to the hospital after that. Kelly and my Mom are in the middle of moving Kelly into her apartment..and trying to stay in touch with me.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 4pm

My husband arrives at the hospital changed, with my bag, our son, my brother and sister in law in tow. WTF? Jeff cancelled his appt and made arrangements for my brother to take Kyle overnight so he could stay with me at the hospital. I kiss Kyle and reassure him that everything is going to be ok. My family leaves. Jeff and I try and nap. I wake up vomitting stomach bile for about 10 minutes.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 7pm

A new nurse comes on her shift and looks at me..at this point..my BP is 190/115 and my eyes are now swollen shut and I can't even make a fist with either hand due to the swelling. She assures Jeff that he's going to need to be rested and should go home and get some sleep. Of course not before I throw up for another 15 minutes.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 9pm

Nurse comes in to check monitor and the baby is having some slight decelerations in her heart rate AFTER a contraction. This "device" was only supposed to soften my cervix and within 2 hours I'm already having contractions. She informs me that she's calling my doctor.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 9:45pm

Nurse informs me that she has called Jeff to come back to the hospital as this baby is coming via c-section tonight.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 10pm.

Nurse arrives to shave and prep my stomach.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 10:15pm

Jeff arrives at hospital and told me that all the family is on their way.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 10:35pm

My doctor arrives in my room and says we're going in 20 mins.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 10:50pm

Transport arrives for me to take me to the OR. Not before the nurse does another vital and my BP is 197/123 and she actually freaks out and pages DR.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 11:15pm

I've been prepped, and had my spinal block so I can stay awake during the procedure. (BTW- that fucking NEEDLE in my back hurt like a sumanabitch)

Friday, June 3rd approx. 11:30pm

They bring Jeff in the room..of course right in the middle of me throwing up all over the nurse.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 11:45pm

Jeff assures me "You're doing great babe...I can see the head...)

Friday, June 3rd 11:49 pm

Casey June arrived

Friday, June 3rd approx. 11:53pm

They exit the room with Casey and Jeff follows..but not before he hears my doctor say.."Ok that's too high..." and then they put me out...because my vitals were failing fast.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 1am

I woke up in the recovery room and Jeff was sitting next to me crying..holding my hand with ink footprints 2 inches tall of our daughter's feet all over these stickers on his shirt.

Friday, June 3rd approx. 1:30am

I got to see all my family and they left. They then wheeled me into the NICU to see Casey for about a minute and then brought me to room. And that..is just Friday...

So in MY reality....for her to be healthy and look like this 19 months later....I'm very blessed but don't think for one minute that it's been easy. There are times I look at her and burst into tears just from sheer "HOLY SHIT" moments of thinking we were losing her. Thinking she might never be ok. Thinking she wouldn't be around. All those hours spent next to her incubator talking to her, reading to her, wondering and crying and wondering some more.

Looking at her now, the emotional scars of everything that happened then are faded but VERY real..I can't help but say to people.."Until you have a child lie in the NICU, you can't possibly understand what's it's REALLY like." Because you can't. Sure any parent can assume how awful it would be. For me, I say..."I think about as bad as it was, then I multiply it by 100 and that's how bad it probably REALLY was.. for now, I just thank God, every day for her."

FINALLY an email worth reading...

Ya know how you get non-stop bullshit emails from some people...especially work related.

Jeff gets about a million a day on his work cell phone so it beeps EVERY TIME he gets a message.

Yesterday, finally one worth seeing.

It was his new "pay compensation" once his promotion is final on March 1st.

Nothing like seeing an email to HR with your pay raise on paper.

Club hopping N Shit

So now the insanity that is my family life multiplies.

My husband has decided that he will NOT be in attendance on Saturday for the big 21st b-day party, which means..he doesn't really care what I wear.

I am thinking of just sticking with the option #3. It's quite lovely and comfy and looks cute with my brown boots and it's already paid for.

I do have a pair of pants to return and get store credit for...so I'm considering going but not sure if I'll get there before the big event on Saturday.

I will now be the biggest person (in weight) in our little gathering...since my husband has decided to stay home.

Whatever will I do without him to entertain me.. and remind me how cute I am.

In the meantime....we were all out (with a nice group of people OUR OWN AGE) on Saturday after my son's football banquet. There had to be 8 or 9 couples plus a few single parents. We took over the bar at our local bowling alley watching football and playing darts. We were having a good time for a while..when my drunk husband says..

"We should go to the FULL CONTACT STRIP CLUB in Indiana."

**Cue all the guys in the room getting big eyes... **

My response "OK"

**Cue all the other women in the room with their eyes crossing**

So 30 minutes later..

My husband and I, another couple, my sister and her boy-"friend" and a friend of mine walked into the strip club.

We didn't get home til 3am.

It was a fun, long, entertaining night.

There is nothing like trying to guess "real or fake" about all the boobs you see while you're there.