I don't talk very often about religion..here or otherwise.
I was born and baptized Catholic. I made my first Communion and my Reconciliation. I was never Confirmed and at the time it had more to do with convenience for my Mother of the CCD classes than my wishes to quit or stop pursuing my sacraments.
After my non-confirmation I went to church on average once a month from 14 through 19. At 19 my Priest refused to baptize Kyle. See in 1992 I had broken just about every belief the church had. I'd had premarital sex and while I was doing it...I WAS using birth control. Of course I decided NOT to terminate the pregnancy but that wasn't good enough.
That was when I became a non-practicing Catholic.
In 2001 Kyle started attending a children's bible study at a Baptist church with a friend. I decided to give it a shot. I went at least 3 times a month, stayed for luncheons, took the beginner's bible study class and got involved.
When I asked a friend of ours that was also one of the Youth Pastors at the church to marry Jeff and I outside the church in early 2003 he said yes. A few months later he wasn't sure if he was comfortable marrying Jeff and I. I asked if it was because I was asking to be married OUTSIDE the church. He said that wasn't it. He felt as if Jeff and I weren't EQUALLY YOKED.
It isn't as if Jeff has ever said "I don't believe in God." Jeff felt relatively the same as I did. He was raised Catholic but didn't share some of the churches monumental beliefs so he didn't like feeling like a hypocrite. He wasn't sure where he belonged in organized religion but he mostly certainly believes in God.
Our friend declined and we ended up getting a non-denominational minister to marry us.
4 years later Jeff and I still don't attend a church. It isn't as if we've tried very hard; we've been to a few different churches but it never seems to work out. Somehow we just don't feel comfortable there.
Do I believe in God? Bet your ass I do.
Does he know I swear? Sure he does.
Does he know I had a child out of wedlock? Check.
Does he know I lived with Jeff before marriage? Check.
God knows everything I've done wrong and yet he continues to bless me every day.
He continues to shine the sun on me day after day lighting me up with the warmth of my kids' smiles.
He continues to color my world with the beautiful blue eyes of my husband that look on me with the greatest unconditional love I've ever known.
He continues to bring sound to the music of my heart when I think of the person I've become through all the trials and tribulations in my life. Maybe I've not always done the "right" things but I've always tried to make the BEST decisions I could with where my life was AT that particular moment.
I don't regret many decisions I've made. I'm not ashamed of who I am and I think God can understand that because God isn't perfect either.
Sometimes I wonder if there is a heaven or hell. Will I get
Left Behind? Will I sit in limbo in my afterlife? Will my kids? I don't know.
I only know that I believe in him. I talk to him. I try and do things to show him my appreciation for the blessings he's given me. I pray to him almost daily. Sometimes in the shower, sometimes in my car. Sometimes I go to the most peaceful place I can think of and walk through the woods and praise him for all the beauty that surrounds me. Some days I even curse him when I think he's made a bad decision...but ya know what...who I am to judge whether he did the right or wrong thing?
I know that I believe in him and he believes in me.....and that's faith enough for me.
